I went into my 3 year old's room while she was sleeping and I picked her up and went into a different room to rock her in the dark. I promise I'm not usually a weirdo mom. You know, like that creepy mom in the children's book "I'll Love You Forever". I could never read that book to my kids because the thought of an 80 year old women crawling through the window to rock her adult son was as disturbing as some horror movies I've seen. But I digress...
Tomorrow is Lou's 4th birthday and we have all been very excited about it. Birthdays are big in this family and we have been celebrating our baby all week. But this is also DNOW weekend at our church which means we will have a house full of teenagers all weekend. Needless to say I have been a bit preoccupied getting ready for both events.
So tonight I came home from a particularly great worship service feeling super pumped about the next few days and I walked into the girls' bedroom and saw her sleeping. Something just came over me and I collapsed. I literally fell to my knees and started sobbing. I had missed putting her to bed on her last night as a 3 year old and it was almost more than I could bear.
Now I feel like I should point out that I'm usually not very sentimental about babies growing up. None of my children have baby books with their measurements and lists of their "firsts" and I have never cried at a first day of Kindergarten, but something was different tonight. As I sat there in the dark rocking my almost 4 year old and crying in the room that used to be her nursery, I thought "what is happening to me? Why am I doing this? Did I feel this way when the others turned 4?"
That's when it hit me...I don't remember the other two turning 4. Sure I can remember the parties I had planned, but I don't really remember THEM at this age because both times I also had a 6 month old baby. I don't know about you guys, but the first year of a baby's life is complete chaos in the Summy home, and I spent most of that time I'm a sleep deprived fog. So this transition is something I'm experiencing for the first and last time. For someone who doesn't handle change very well, this is the sort of thing that causes some type of emotional break down or at least the need to spend the better part of an hour looking at old baby pictures and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. (Am I being a bit dramatic? Probably so, but that is just who I am as a person.)
The bond between me and little Lou is a special one. Of course I don't love her more than the others, but there is just something special about that last baby that gets this Mom a little choked up. Lou and I have had a lot more "just the two of us" days than I had with older two. I have become more relaxed and confident as a mom since having her. I have learned to play more and listen more and give more grace with her. I learned to spend extra time snuggling with her because I knew that time would not last forever. I caught myself enjoying motherhood a little more. Maybe I'm actually growing up with her. Just as I nervously experienced all the firsts along with Amelia, I'm celebrating all of the lasts with Louisa. Soon I will graduate from a mom of babies and preschoolers to a mom of elementary and middle schoolers. (Maybe that is what all the crying is about. Lord be near.)
Things are changing in our little family and this is just the beginning. These 3 children that God has given us are each so very different. I know he has big plans for them all if I'm willing to let them go and grow and if I teach them to follow Him. That is my job as their mom. But tonight she is still three and still just a baby and so I rocked her just a little longer while watching her sleep.
Okay... maybe I am starting to sound a little bit like the creepy old Love You Forever mom. Time to look at cute pics of the birthday girl to lighten the mood!
Happy 4th Birthday to my sweet Louisa! She is as smart and hilarious as she is cute!
***Have any of you found yourself overly sentimental and acting super weird with your last baby?
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