I don't even know where to begin. It has been almost a complete year since I sat down to write. I am not even sure I remember how.
So much has happened in our life since the last post. I guess that's to be expected when you let 12 months past between posts. But this has been a particularly jam packed year. I won't try to catch up on all of it, because that would be long and weird and overwhelming to think about. However, there are for sure some highlights....
40. I am 40 now. It was all consuming for the better part of 2018.
Because of the 40, there were several trips to celebrate: Austin, Hawaii, and Chicago.
Fall break evacuation due to Red Tide and Hurricane Michael.
DOG. Lord help us, we are dog people now.
Lou starts Kindergarten and I experience an existential crisis. No big deal.
Throw in the holidays and that pretty much sums up the last year.
There are so many things I want to say about several of those major points, but I figure they will each need their own post. Today I just wanted to rip off the bandaid and force myself to write words down. I have discovered something about myself as of late, I am a quitter.
I never thought of myself as a quitter, but a quitter I am. However, the motivation for the quitting is what I have more importantly pinpointed. I don't just quit when things get hard. In fact, I am actually ridiculously stubborn about sticking things out in tough times and loyal to a fault. It has less to do with the difficulty of the situation and more to do with my perceived ability. If I feel that I am not The Best at something, I tell myself there is no point in continuing that pursuit. I am not good at trying and failing and trying again. If I fail (or even break even) I tend to think "Meh, maybe this is not for me." ( I also discovered the Enneagram in 2018 and well.... I am a 1. The Moral Perfectionist. Everything makes sense now.)
That is what happened to this blog. Never mind the benefit to my sanity it is to write down my feelings, I looked around and thought.... "so many people are better at writing and being interesting... why am I doing this?"
The answer has to be... I am doing this for me. It's an exercise in bettering myself. In doing something with zero chance of reward. Doing something that I am not really good at, and not caring if other people see it.
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The other night Steve mentioned an interview on famed Jeopardy contestant Ken Jennings. Ken talked about how "funny" has become the baseline in all of marketing because Americans are unable to listen to anything that doesn't first catch their attention with humor. He asked the question "Have we reached the peak of funny?"
I responded "I hope not or I am out of a job." Steve laughed because obviously, I don't have an actual job. But actually my "job" in life is to approach every situation with humor in order to avoid the awkwardness of failure. If funny goes out of style, I will cease to be able to communicate with people. I thought later, how weird it is to actually think of funny as your job when you spend your day doing laundry and picking up dog poop.
Is that normal? Should I be looking for a new "job"? I really don't need an answer. These are just the things that fill my mind so that there is no room for useful things like actual appointment details, grocery lists, or even Bible verses. Those things that would spark some joy if I could remember them.
So in true Marie Kondo style, I will dump those superfluous thoughts here. You are welcome.
So here I am on February 1, 2019 starting again. (Because we all know that January was just a practice month.) If anyone reads, bless you for joining me on this uncomfortable journey of rambling for... well nothing. Im just exercising my brain here.
