Start Small and Don't Be Afraid to Pivot

I stumbled upon this blog today and actually laughed out loud when I saw my last entry. January 2020. Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago. January 2020 Annah Mary was so hopeful and excited about a new start and a new year after a "difficult" end to 2019. She had no idea what was coming just right around the corner. She was just talking about Lean Cuisines and staying off the internet like the biggest worldwide event was not about to rock her world. She was so innocent. I kind of miss her.

"My hope is that I can make a real effort to rest and breathe this year. To read books and drink coffee. To play piano and bake bread. To pray and worship and to pray some more. These are things that were missing in 2019. I want to bring them back."

The last 2 years have been a challenge for us all. Sometimes Im still shocked at how it took us by surprise and how we thought it would last maybe a few weeks. And then we wrapped our brains around the idea of a pandemic, the social and political exploded. 

But I did accomplish some of her goals. Rest more. We were quarantined for months and forced to slow down. So that is sort of a rest. Read books. I read more books in 2020 than i have read in my whole life. It's amazing what being cooped up in your home for half a year will do for your ability to finish a book. Bake Bread. How did I know we would all be baking bread? Boy did I ever accomplish this goal. My waistline is still trying to recover from all bread that was made and consumed in this house.

2020 and 2021 changed us all in good ways and in bad. So much happened in the world and in my heart and mind that I can even wrap my head around if I want to write about it here. 

For now I will make my usual new year plans and resolutions. I'm a little more jaded and realistic this time. My goals are less lofty and specific. Instead, I have been thinking about what was missing in my life the last year... creativity. The last two years have been a time of worry, soul searching, growth, and survival. There was very little space for the beauty of art. My soul longs for it, but I am out of practice. This year, I hope to train myself to create again. 

I resolve not to give up on myself if I fall behind. I will allow myself the space to start small and restart if necessary. Maybe that is what I have learned most in the last 2 years. Be patient with yourself and the process and don't be afraid to pivot.

2020: the year of the Lean Cuisine

It's 2020 and if I have learned anything about myself over the years, it is that I LOVE a new year and new beginning. I have multiple diaries and journals with only January entries. Even more planners with only the first half of the year filled out. So basically what I am saying is, I LOVE a new beginning, but I do not love a solid finish.

Anyway, here we are at the beginning of the year and I have decided to write down my words. Again.

I have decided to take a break from social media (also Again) because I can really see how easily I become addicted to it. I do this from time to time and then I jump back on Instagram and before I know it I am spending hours peeking into other people's lives and neglecting my own. It is similar to my attempts to give up Coke, sugar, or slothfulness. I can do it for a short amount of time until old habits creep back in.

In the absence of a Facebook or Instagram feed, I have come back to this blog to dump my random thoughts. It's nice to have a place to come back to. A new page in my digital diary. I new year journal entry for 2020.

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I have welcomed this new year with open arms. I don't have a word of the year or a new mantra, but I do have HOPE that things will improve in the year 2020. You see, the last half of 2019 was particularly difficult. It feels strange to call it difficult because there was not a actual event that was super hard. It was just consistently challenging. Yes, that's it. Consistent, never letting up, never coming up for air, never slowing down, tension, pressure, and stress. Some of the stresses were good things and some were less than good. But when you combine them all into a period of 6 months... That time was... well... difficult.

My hope is that I can make a real effort to rest and breathe this year. To read books and drink coffee. To play piano and bake bread. To pray and worship and to pray some more. These are things that were missing in 2019. I want to bring them back.

I told someone today that I am going to do my best to treat this year like it's 2005. In 2005 I didn't have a smart phone or Instagram or access to everyone's thoughts all the time. I didn't know what whole 30 was and when I wanted to lose weight I ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch and called it a day.

Those were simple times and I have always loved a good Lean Cuisine.

When I can't figure out which mom I am, I drive around with coffee.

Being a Mom in 2019 is weird.

If you look at social media you see motherhood portrayed in 2 different ways.

On one hand you see super moms who seem to have perfected the job. They love to show us their clean kids with adorable outfits and brushed hair. These moms love to do crafts and have picnics at the park. They are room moms at school and PTA members and they always throw the best birthday parties. They are fit and love Jesus. They are happy and kind. They make perfection seem attainable, but yet completely unattainable at the same time.

On the other hand you have the moms that are leading the crusade of low bar living. They proudly show us their dirty dishes and hair that is on its 3rd day of dry shampoo. They wear Target work out clothes every day, but laugh at the suggestion that they actually work out. They want us to know that it is okay to be less than perfect and to survive on nothing but "Coffee and Jesus." These moms are advocates for grace and will fight anyone who suggests they need to put on real pants for carpool line.

I was thinking about these 2 moms today as I was driving around with my post school drop off Starbucks. Mornings at my house are so loud and rushed and just plain crazy. There is always a fight over clothes, a disagreement about oral hygiene, a complaint about the lunch options, and almost always someone leaves the house in tears. When I finally drop the last kid off, my favorite thing to do is get coffee and just drive around in my quiet van. I know there are chores and emails and a day waiting for me when I get home. So I put off going home as long as possible. I just drive around and replay the shenanigans of the morning over and over in my head.

And this morning it hit me. We are all a combination of the 2 moms. Or rather, we are all on the Mom Spectrum. Some days we are a little closer to Perfect Mom and some days we lean heavily toward the   Survival Mom. We don't have to hate one to love the other. We can embrace both. I can embrace both.

So that feels good. Today I'm leaning more on the Dry Shampoo side of thing, but with any luck tomorrow will be a "sweet notes in the lunchbox" and "finish my to do list" kind of day. I'm excited about the possibilities.

Summer is coming! I can't wait!

It has been a minute...or a year

I don't even know where to begin. It has been almost a complete year since I sat down to write. I am not even sure I remember how.

So much has happened in our life since the last post. I guess that's to be expected when you let 12 months past between posts. But this has been a particularly jam packed year. I won't try to catch up on all of it, because that would be long and weird and overwhelming to think about. However, there are for sure some highlights....

40. I am 40 now. It was all consuming for the better part of 2018.

Because of the 40, there were several trips to celebrate: Austin, Hawaii, and Chicago.

Fall break evacuation due to Red Tide and Hurricane Michael.

DOG. Lord help us, we are dog people now.

Lou starts Kindergarten and I experience an existential crisis. No big deal.

Throw in the holidays and that pretty much sums up the last year.

There are so many things I want to say about several of those major points, but I figure they will each need their own post. Today I just wanted to rip off the bandaid and force myself to write words down. I have discovered something about myself as of late, I am a quitter.

I never thought of myself as a quitter, but a quitter I am. However, the motivation for the quitting is what I have more importantly pinpointed. I don't just quit when things get hard. In fact, I am actually ridiculously stubborn about sticking things out in tough times and loyal to a fault.  It has less to do with the difficulty of the situation and more to do with my perceived ability. If I feel that I am not The  Best at something, I tell myself there is no point in continuing that pursuit. I am not good at trying and failing and trying again. If I fail (or even break even) I tend to think "Meh, maybe this is not for me." ( I also discovered the Enneagram in 2018 and well.... I am a 1. The Moral Perfectionist. Everything makes sense now.)

That is what happened to this blog. Never mind the benefit to my sanity it is to write down my feelings, I looked around and thought.... "so many people are better at writing and being interesting... why am I doing this?"

The answer has to be... I am doing this for me. It's an exercise in bettering myself. In doing something with zero chance of reward. Doing something that I am not really good at, and not caring if other people see it.

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The other night Steve mentioned an interview on famed Jeopardy contestant Ken Jennings. Ken talked about how "funny" has become the baseline in all of marketing because Americans are unable to listen to anything that doesn't first catch their attention with humor. He asked the question "Have we reached the peak of funny?"

I responded "I hope not or I am out of a job." Steve laughed because obviously, I don't have an actual job. But actually my "job" in life is to approach every situation with humor in order to avoid the awkwardness of failure. If funny goes out of style, I will cease to be able to communicate with people. I thought later, how weird it is to actually think of funny as your job when you spend your day doing laundry and picking up dog poop.

Is that normal? Should I be looking for a new "job"? I really don't need an answer. These are just the things that fill my mind so that there is no room for useful things like actual appointment details, grocery lists, or even Bible verses. Those things that would spark some joy if I could remember them.

So in true Marie Kondo style,  I will dump those superfluous thoughts here. You are welcome.

So here I am on February 1, 2019 starting again. (Because we all know that January was just a practice month.) If anyone reads, bless you for joining me on this uncomfortable journey of rambling for... well nothing. Im just exercising my brain here.

Day 55 of 365. The Holiest version of "Because, I said so!"

We are just over a week into the season of Lent. I won't elaborate on my 2018 Lent journey at the moment other than to say... Everyday I'm surprised that Lent is so long. Every single day I think, "40 days God? Really? That's fine for Jesus and well...just Jesus, but I'm no Jesus. I can't do this." 

 But I'm pretty sure that's the point.

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As usual I find myself reading (and falling behind in) several different Bible studies. We all know that I suffer super hard from FOMO (fear of missing out) and that struggle permeates every part of my life. Anyway, I'm reading the usual Chronological Bible where we find ourselves smack in the middle of the wilderness and the Levitical law, but I'm also reading Exodus with the She Reads Truth folks. Since the setting is the same it is not as confusing as reading through 2 different plans can sometimes be. In fact, the deeper discussion of Exodus provided by SRT has really helped me appreciate and enjoy Leviticus in a way that I DID NOT expect.

Because let's be real Leviticus is tough. It's a whole lot of "You must not..." peppered with some pretty graphic descriptions of all things unclean.

However, the commentary provided by the girls at SRT and by Iva May and Co. this year have really drawn my heart towards appreciating God's love and protection through these laws.

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I try to put myself in the Isrealites shoes (er sandals...ha) every time I read the books of Exodus and Leviticus. Does anyone else do this? I try to imagine what it's like to be rescued from 400 years of slavery and then led out into the difficult and scary wilderness with none of the comforts of home. These particular people had been living as Egyptians their entire lives. God was a character in a story that had been passed down for many years, but not a part of their day to day lives. They did not trust this character because they didn't know him.

They were reintroduced to their (very personal) God when He heard their cries and remembered His covenant with their great grandpa Abraham. This year I spent a lot of time thinking over the use of the word "remember" in this passage. "Did God really forget his people?" Seems like a legit question and caused me to think more about the word remember. Remember is the opposite of Forget, but is not always a response to forgetting. We can remember regularly do something without first forgetting it. So God (as usual) remembered His covenant with Israel and came to the rescue. He came to the rescue in a very big way. He could have rescued them quickly and easily and without much fuss, but he needed to remind His people (and the Egyptians) that we was more than just a character in their traditions and stories. He was the Lord their God.

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Once God does this miraculous reintroduction of Himself in Exodus, He teaches these former slaves how to become a nation. He gives them order and a focus and a whole bunch of laws. He wanted His people to be set apart from the nations around them. To look differently and act differently and worship differently than the people of Egypt behind them and the people of Canaan in front of them. His laws provided protection from disease and from each other. His laws made a way for all people rich or poor to be able to live in community and worship the Lord.

And since He knew the people would question every law that seemed a little cray cray, He punctuated each command with "I am the Lord your God."

I love this characteristic of God's personality. He knows His people better than we know ourselves. He knew they would say "But God, that seems a little extreme, why must we do it that way?" And so he when ahead and gave them answer.

Basically the most Holy version of "Because. I. Said. So." 

I. Am. The. Lord. Your. God.  (That's why.)

Day 17 (or 29) of 365. Getting Distracted writing about Distractions

It is Day 17 of 2018 and Day 6 of Snow Day Craziness.

I tried to think of a new exciting term like the weatherman uses such as "Snowmageddon" or "Icepocolypse" but I am just not as creative as Action News 5, I guess. However, a "world coming to an end" type of name is exactly what we need by day 6 of this thing. We have enjoyed our laziness and snow fun as much as Southerners with no proper clothing can, and now we are just completely stir crazy. So crazy, in fact, that I have resorted to some form of homeschooling today to remain somewhat sane. Thankfully the kids think it is a fun new game to do work at home and are actually excited about it. At least for today.

As much as I REALLY don't enjoy the idea of a snow day because of all the pressure on moms to make it memorable. (Sledding, and snow angels, and pretty pictures, and snowmen, and snow cream, and hot chocolate.... and that lasts about 20 minutes.) I have really enjoyed the slower rhythm. We barely had time to get back into the busy-ness of school after Christmas Break and here we are again, sleeping late and spending lots of time as a family.

Our nights at home have been particularly slow. Just as most people in my life stage, we have a busy weekly schedule with all of the kid's extracurricular activities, homework, and church activities. We rarely have a lazy night at home, much less 6 in a row. It has been nice. Sweet. Just what this homebody needed.

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I laughed when I read in Genesis today as I thought about my kids and all the sibling bonding they have had in the last week. We read today that Joseph sends his brothers (the same ones who sold him as a slave 20 years ago, but he forgave them because Joseph has mastered forgiveness in way that most of us can only dream and that would likely earn him a gold medal in forgiving.... sorry I've got Olympics on the brain.) back home to get their father Jacob. He gives them lots of wagons loaded with food and money and clothes and animals and sends them on the journey back to Canaan. But as they are leaving he tells them.

"Don't argue on the way."

Jacob has not forgotten about how nasty sibling rivalry can be. He knows his brothers (and all siblings) have a tendency to argue. Perhaps he has even seen this kind of "brotherly love" happening with his own boys, Manasseh and Ephraim. Parents just know. They always know.

Truth is we all need to be reminded not to get distracted and argue with our brothers along the way. God has given us all a command and a life with which to carry out His purpose, and He just wants us all to stop arguing and focus on the road ahead.

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I did it again. Started a blog post and never finished it. Mommy brain + almost 40 brain = I get distracted super easily.  The struggle is indeed very real. So thankful for the gentle re-reminder to stay focused as I stumbled upon this half written thought today. I think I'll go ahead and post it on the off chance I will need this reminder again.... like tomorrow.

Day 7 of 365. In the Beginning of 2018

It is Sunday. The 7th day of the year. I have been successfully reading my Bible and studying and journaling and praying for an entire week.

It is important to point out this accomplishment because, while I am a huge Bible nerd and love reading and discussing it so much, I am also an even bigger procrastinator and all around lazy human. I often get behind in my reading and have to play catch up. And when I say often, I mean at least once a week.

This is a tough truth for me to swallow because it seems really strange for someone who just confessed to being a full out Bible nerd to have such a problem with reading it daily. My mind and heart sincerely desire to hear from the Lord everyday, my body really really loves to sleep that extra 30 minutes or my eyes really want to scroll through Instagram or watch one more episode of the crown on Netflix. This is a struggle we all face everyday although I think some of my friends struggle less with slothfulness than I do.

I'm reminded that this is a universal struggle right out of the gate in Genesis when we see our girl Eve struggle with the same problem of listening to her body instead of God (we all know the dangers of shopping on an empty stomach) and making a decision based on what she sees right in front of her. (Raise your hand if you are still grabbing chocolate from the Christmas stocking stash every time you walk by even though you told yourself you were not eating sweets during the month of January.... No? So it's just me then.)

Genesis. Y'all, I am ate up with Genesis. God's entire plan for the world is laid out right there. He doesn't leave anything out. He is pretty specific about what he wants and tells His people over and over and even using visual aids to make it easy for those folks to understand. And Y'all, the people are not spectacular. They are Flawed. Super flawed. And they waste no time jumping into sin. You can almost hear God sigh and say "really? already, guys? I mean we JUST named the animals and I was JUST getting used to our afternoon walks. Sigh. Ok. Here is how we will fix this...." (paraphrased).

And it happens again and again. But God forgives and still provides because He is good and He loves us even though we can't seem to say "No" to the snake, put down the chocolate covered cherries, turn off Netflix, or wake up 30 minutes earlier to spend time with Him. He still loves us.

How do we know that He still loves us and still has a plan? Because we read it in God's word. Faith comes through hearing the Word of God.  As I was reading this week about our girl Eve, this thought came to mind....

Eve's knowledge was secondhand and that cost her. What a gigantic commercial for reading the Bible. We can't allow our only knowledge of God to come from someone else in the form of christian books and blogs and sermons and podcasts. Those are great, but we first need to get it straight from the horses mouth.... er rather the mouth of the God of the universe. There that sounds more respectful. But you know what I mean.  Lets not be caught with a handful of apple because we weren't exactly sure what God said concerning His love for us.

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So tomorrow is Monday again. We made it through the first few days back at school. We are slowly easing into 2018. Like I said, I really only accomplished reading the Bible and getting kids to their correct schools before the bell rang. Hoping I can do the waking up earlier and resisting the chocolate this next week. But I'll settle for just one of those. I can't set the bar too high, you know. It is only January.